


pretty baby i'll make your legs shake

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Established Relationship, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Phone Sex, Sharing Clothes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 00:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15351762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: “Oh baby,” Ryan deadpans, “you know how to get me all warm and gooey inside.”“And outside,” Shane says, and he can hear the fucking wink.





	pretty baby i'll make your legs shake

**Author's Note:**

> for kaitlyn, who keeps blessing us with incredible [ryan/zack(/shane)](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=20527065&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&pseud_id=doctorkaitlyn&user_id=doctorkaitlyn) content <3

Life isn’t fair. Life is a bitch and kills you in the end, and if life had _any_ sense of fair play, he would be on the Worth It cruise hopping adventure rather than Shane. Sure, it’s great that his boyfriend is having a wonderful time and has finally been forced on a Carnival cruise- but Ryan so could have been the special guest. (Or better yet, both of them. Somehow this is all Steven’s fault.) 

Allegedly Shane was chosen because of the _one_ summer he spent working on a cruise ship in his youth. But first of all a ship that goes around the great lakes is a yacht at best and second, all Shane did was sell hot dogs. (And if perhaps that inspired the Hot Daga in any form, then Ryan’s even more annoyed about it.)

Ryan’s been stalking all of the instagrams- Shane’s, Steven’s, and the official Worth It account- and really, it’s an exercise in masochism. There’s more restaurants than he can count, hot tubs, pools, casinos, bars, spas, live concerts and the most gorgeous sunrises and sunsets over the ocean. 

Ryan wants to be hopping around the Caribbean dammit. So it’s with a little vengeance in mind that he calls up his boyfriend, laying on their bed. They tried skyping back when Shane was doing the cheap cruise, Carnival of course, and it froze enough that Ryan didn’t care how amusing the still images were in the end, it was obnoxious. They were barely able to hold a conversation, much less do anything involving orgasms. With that in mind, this time he called on his cell. 

“Shane Madej, here to make your day for just five easy payments of $99.99! Can I interest you in my deluxe package?” 

Ryan snorts, laughing as he closes his eyes and rolls onto his back. “Depends, how long will it take to get to me?” 

“Ah,” Shane’s voice losing some of its mirth, “another three weeks.” 

Ryan sighs, “That won’t do at all.” 

“I’m sorry baby, I wish it wasn’t-”

“For those prices, I’ll definitely need a sample first,” Ryan interrupts. 

There’s a muffled chuckle on the other side, “I believe this is where I ask you what you’re wearing.” 

Ryan smiles, looking down at his chest, “Your stupid sweatshirt.” 

“Aw, that’s adorable babe. The gray one?”

“Mhmm, the comfiest.” It’s also big on Shane, making it long enough to hit him mid thigh, and there’s something sexy and comforting about that. 

“Oh yeah?” Shane says, “What else?” 

“Just stockings,” Ryan says nonchalantly. 

The line goes silent and Ryan grins wider, “Y’know, those fishnet ones you like so much.” 

“… _fuck_.” 

“Yeah I’d show you but-” Ryan teases, breaking off. “I guess you’ll have to wait until you come home.” 

“Yeah you will,” Shane says, voice low. “I bet you look incredible Ry.”

If Ryan were a nicer boyfriend, he’d send Shane a picture. But he’d much rather not- after all, he didn’t get to spend this morning touring Jamaica. 

“Mhmm, you should give me this sweatshirt.” 

There’s a choked laugh, and Ryan knows the exact face Shane is making, a grin crossing his own at the thought. “What’s mine is yours.”

No matter how casually the line is delivered it still punches the air out of him, feelings swelling up. “Excellent,” Ryan says, voice scratchy. He swallows, looking around their bedroom, “I’ve been wanting to do some spring cleaning.” 

Shane snickers, “Oh no, I’m not there to help.” 

“Yeah there’s this _huge_ dead bug, I should really get rid of it.” 

Shane pauses, it clearly hasn’t clicked yet to Ryan’s delight, “Okay?” 

“Right on your bureau too, can you believe it? Next to all of your stuff.” 

“Wait a minute-”

“The audacity, the nerve-”

“-you better not be talking about Bartholomew.” 

Ryan can’t help it, laughter bursting out, completely ruining his scaredy cat tone. “He’s- he’s creeping me out.” 

“He’s dead Ryan, what can he do? Don’t tell me butterfly ghosts are a thing now.” 

Ryan looks around the room more carefully, hadn’t thought of that recently. After all, they _were_ keeping its corpse here. Chills dart down his spine, and he feels a bit of malevolence he associates with haunted places not-

“Baby, listen to me: he’s not there.”

“Uh huh,” Ryan absently agrees, doesn’t feel like getting into another argument about what does or doesn’t have a soul- not when Shane’s far too far away for any physical aftermath. (Blowjobs, pranks, tickling- all’s fair in love and debate.)

So he moves Bartholomew into the laundry nook- the furthest location from the bedroom. Returning, he crashes back on the bed, listening to Shane go on about costume karaoke night. He feels much better now, and Shane’s butterfly just found its new domain to creep over. 

“-thigh highs y’know? You still wearing yours baby?” 

Ryan most certainly missed something crucial about karaoke night, but with such a promising question, he really doesn’t care. 

“I am,” he answers, raising a leg up and pointing his toe at the ceiling. The fishnets stop right above the sweatshirt’s hem, and any movement results in their lace tops peeking out. (It’s a terrible scratchy lace, but it holds up ridiculously well and looks divine.)

“To be a butterfly on that wall,” Shane jokes. 

Ryan drops his leg, all fond exasperation. “Dude if you were here…” 

“Yeah?” Shane asks eagerly, and the answer comes tumbling out of his mouth on its own. 

“I’d give you a serious blowjob.” 

Shane chuckles, “A serious one ey?” 

“Yup,” Ryan declares. “Super fuckin’ serious, just suck out all that humor.” 

“And then what?” 

“Damn it, _no_ ,” Ryan says, wheezing. You do one video on common awful sexts, and Shane thinks it’s always a good time to drop that one. 

“Nah really,” Shane says mirthfully. “So you have new me with zero humor and post-orgasm. I feel like he might roll over and go to sleep.” 

“Probably on top of me.” 

“Oh yeah, keep you trapped there for round two.” 

Ryan snorts, and Shane tsks. “This is solemn sexytimes, no laughter down there.” 

“Wait am I still at your waist? I could just-”

“Don’t, nooo, bad idea-”

“-bite down.” Ryan can feel Shane’s wince through the phone, cackling. 

Shane sighs dramatically, “You keep bringing up castration, something you wanna tell me?” 

“Pfft, like you’d even notice if you were missing an inch or two.” 

“Really Mr. Five feet and nine and three-quarter inches?” 

“…your point?”

“Yer a size queen, Ryan.” 

Ryan’s mouth opens and closes a few times, his brain refusing to cooperate. 

“Shit, too far?” Shane asks. “I thought the Potter bit dialed it back.” 

“Nah, it’s- uh- factually accurate I guess.” 

“Factual accuracy is what I strive for,” Shane says. 

“Oh baby,” Ryan deadpans, “you know how to get me all warm and gooey inside.” 

“And outside,” Shane says, and he can hear the fucking wink. 

“Dork,” Ryan says, and dammit this shouldn’t be working for him. (Of course, were that really the case they wouldn’t be dating in the first place.)

“Mhmm, I miss making you all gooey.” 

“Jesus Shane-”

“Getting to watch you fall apart because of me, all blissful and out of control,” he says, and Ryan’s grabbing his dick before his mind even processes the action. 

“How would you do it? If you were here?” Ryan asks, voice already airy. 

“You have been a brat lately,” Shane says, waiting. 

Ryan grins, happy where this is going and runs his fingertips up and down his cock. A light tease, more of a reminder than anything else, his knuckles brushing against the inside of Shane’s sweatshirt.

“And what can you possibly do from all the way over there?” he taunts. 

Shane chuckles, “I think you should be asking yourself, what am I going to do to you once I’m home.” 

“You’re stalling, you got nothing.” 

“Ryan, Ryan, Ryan- I know what you’re doing and it’s going to work, too well in fact,” Shane starts, his monologue voice already on. “I’m gonna tie you down, strip you down, and play with you for _hours_.” 

Ryan hits the speaker button, freeing his hand to bite on and muffle any noises, doesn’t want to miss a single word. (His other hand is gripping his cock now, slowly dragging up and down. The friction’s crossing over to the wrong side of painful, but he can’t bear to remove either hand.) 

“Gonna start off easy with feathers and silk, my fingers and tongue. Keep going until you’re oversensitive, shaking in your bonds and then I’ll start marking you up baby. All suction and teeth, just shy of breaking skin, can’t have that with the wax.” 

Ryan whimpers, the sound escaping past his knuckle. Everything Shane’s describing they’ve done before, most multiple times even, but to imagine it all together- fuck he’s close to coming from the thought of it. 

“And then- well, we’ll keep that a surprise for once you’re home baby,” Shane says. 

“You son of a-”

Shane groans, and like a goddamn pavlovian response, Ryan’s coming too. Eyes squeezed shut he can see Shane’s orgasm, jeans and boxers not all the way off, some ugly hawaiian shirt unbuttoned, a white tee shoved up, and his huge fingers sticky with jizz. 

“Holy fuck Shane,” Ryan murmurs once his brain returns. 

Shane chuckles, a yawn escaping him. “Mhmm, I’m g’na crash.” 

“Sleep well,” he says, and being a few hours ahead, he should do something before crashing himself. Maybe he’ll start researching a new demon for the next season or-

“Love you Ry.” 

“I love you too big guy,” and with a last shared laugh, they hang up.

**Author's Note:**

> title from crazy town's butterfly because i have zero self-restraint  
> come say hi on [tumblr \o/](http://lesbiancleophas.tumblr.com)


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